Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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