but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
