i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
