i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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