Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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