Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
well you can't waste a boner
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
