There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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