I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
