I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
