i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
