i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
