I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
