I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
