I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize