Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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