your parents love me but you hate me
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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