I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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