I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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