so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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