U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
