Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
