Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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