mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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