i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
