i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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