Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
