so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
