Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
