the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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