Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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