saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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