Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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