I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
