I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
