Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this beer tastes like vomit already
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
