my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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