my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
