Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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