Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
