No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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