i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
