he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
