I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
