His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
