I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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