Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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