My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
