Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize