we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
