I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
