I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
