he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
