Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
