someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
two words: eviction party
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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